The Tale of Morwen, Her Lord Haldir and His Quest
by MorwenElhina
Summary: Haldir embarks on a quest for the perfect piece of wood to prove his love for Morwen
1. The Start Of A Quest

**The Tale of Morwen, Her Lord Haldir and His Quest to Find The Dead, Rotten, Slightly-Moss-Covered, Yet Completely Dry, Piece Of Oddly-Shaped Wood**

****

'Oh Haldir' said Morwen, in a yuppyish manner, as the first rays of sunlight crept over her face, turning her pale skin… orange.  Haldir did like Morwen with orange skin first thing in the morning.  He found it quite a turn-on.  It's like his great-uncle Frederick used to say 'There's nothing quite like an orange-skinned elf maiden before breakfast.'  

'Yes Morwen?' said Haldir, snuggling closer.  Come to think of it, the newly risen sun was turning Haldir pink.  He had rather sensitive skin.  This didn't bother Morwen though.  She liked Haldir pink.  Besides, her mind wasn't really on the **_colour _**of his skin at present…  

'Do you… **_love_ me, Haldir?' Morwen breathed, breathily.  She pressed herself dramatically against his chest and stared up into his eyes.  **

_'*Sigh* an elf maiden could drown in those eyes, they're so big, and blue, and dreamy…' she trailed off incoherently in her mind… _

_'How do I put this without sounding cheap and dirty and without using the word 'whore' more than once?' thought Haldir.  _

'Yes, Morwen,' he said simply 'I do love you.  Well, more than Aragorn does at least.'

'Yes,' agreed Morwen '_He only loved me once'_

Haldir was momentarily frozen in horror. 'Small world' he muttered to himself.  

'Incidentally, why do you ask?'

'Well,' Morwen began, twirling her hair around her finger in a rather Barbie-like fashion.  'It's just that, well, you know, Aragorn went on a quest for Arwen, and Faramir went on a quest for Eowyn, (you remember, where he found her that daisy chain, in Mordor?) and Frodo had that whole 'Ring Quest' for Sméagol, but as of yet, you haven't proved your love for me in a quest.' 

'My goodness, Morwen!!  You're right!!' exclaimed Haldir, jumping to his feet, accidentally dislodging Morwen from his chest.  Morwen squeaked like a stepped-on rat, but she didn't mind terribly, as Haldir was ever so sexy when he was enthusiastic.  

'I shall have to embark on a quest!! A quest that is noble and good and useful and brave and proves that I'm not at all loopy!!  Wait, that could be hard…' Haldir paused and looked at Morwen 'But, my quest has to have purpose.'

'Oh, but it _will have purpose!' said Morwen dreamily 'The purpose will be to prove your love!' _

 But I have to _do  something!  The point of a quest is to do something, or defeat something, or get something.  Otherwise it wouldn't _be _a quest!  Don't you see?'_

'Well, I suppose,' said Morwen breathily 'but now I shall have to think!'

Haldir waited a moment, as he knew this would be difficult for Morwen, who was, personality wise, a rather blonde elf, although she had dark hair.  

'What is it you desire?' he inquired, inquiringly.  

Morwen pondered ponderingly for a while   'Well,' she said slowly and then 'well' and then, just once more 'well… 

'What I _desire'  she said blondly, 'is a Dead, Rotten, Slightly Moss-Covered, Yet Completely Dry, Piece Of Oddly-Shaped Wood.  I've always wanted one of those, and you simply __can't  find any in Lorien.  Everything here is alive and growing and covered in Elanor.'_

'Very well, fair Morwen!!' exclaimed Haldir grandly 'I shall search all of Middle-Earth (and all of Upper- and Lower-Earth.  Left- and Right- as well…) and not return until I  have in my keeping the perfect Dead, Rotten, Slightly Moss-Covered, Yet Completely Dry, Piece Of Oddly-Shaped Wood that suits thy beauty, perfection and divinity.'

Morwen took a moment to comprehend the meaning of these long words.  Then-

'Oh Haldir,' she cried 'that _would be nice!'_

'It would, wouldn't it?' said Haldir thoughtfully.  

  
ps. There's more coming!

Pps thanks DarkSaiph!  This is our first fanfic, so the formatting all kinda died, but I hope it's better now!


	2. Cheese Mates

_'Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese'_ thought Morwen, as she skipped though meadows of wildflowers.  _'Cheese is a rather odd word,' she thought '__I wonder what it means'.  _

  


_'Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese'_ Thought Haldir, as he packed his saddle-bags.  _'What I need is cheese.'._

'Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, ' sang Morwen gaily as she skipped merrily towards Haldir and handed him a bunch of wildflowers.  

'That's exactly what I was thinking Morwen!'  exclaimed Haldir.  'We must really be soul mates!'

'Cheese mates, don't you mean?' said Morwen idly as she dreamilyfully studied a frog that was flapping sleepily around the stable.  

_'Frog?!_' thought Haldir suddenly.  '_I don't remember there being any frogs in this stable.'_

'Yes, quite' said Haldir, out loud.  'Well Morwen,' he said, turning around, 'ready to say goodbye?'

Morwen gazed at him for a second, and then 'Oh Haldir!' she cried dramatically, throwing herself into his arms, 'I don't ever want to say goodbye!  What if you don't return?!?!?!!?'  

Haldir grinned mischievously, then realised this was meant to be a sad and tragic moment and stopped.  'Well Morwen,' he began bravely… then he couldn't think of anything brave to say, so he kissed her instead.  

When he finally ran out of breath and stopped kissing her, Morwen collapsed limply against his chest.  

'Never fear,' he whispered into her hair 'Haldir is here!'

Morwen looked at him blankly for a moment, then 'Oh Haldir,' she cried, for lack of anything better to say.  

'Don't worry,' he said heroically, ' I'll come back and I'll bring with me the perfect Dead, Rotten, Slightly Moss-Covered, Yet Completely Dry, Piece Of Oddly-Shaped Wood that my quest demands.'

Gently wiping the tears from her eyes, Haldir raised Morwen's chin and deposited one last kiss on her pretty green lips.  

And then Haldir rode off into the sunset on his flying frog.  


End file.
